We’re in line for Santa.
This will be the second time for my son. Third for my daughter. Different days. Different imposters.
“We’ve already seen Santa, please don’t do this,” I plead.
“But I have some more stuff I want to ask for!” my son of 7 says.
So we’re in line for Santa. And he’s the cheapest one yet. Fake beard. Boot covers over black sneakers.
The niftiest thing about him was the paper scroll he was carrying – 8.5 inches wide, 6+ feet long. This is not an exaggeration. It’s his “Nice” list.
I wonder internally: Are those just the most common 5,000 names in the United States? Hope you don’t run into a kid with a strange name and spoil their Christmas.
“Hey Dad, I know a secret about Santa,” my son says.
Oh no. The charade is over.
“Whisper it to me so your sister doesn’t hear.”
He whispers: “I know how to tell if it’s the real Santa or Santa’s helper: Look at the beard.”
Whew. The magic will live on another year.
“Oh, you nailed it, son. This is guy is just a helper, but he gives messages to Santa, so you can still tell him what you want.”
My children walk up to “Santa” and ask for several things they either already asked for or aren’t getting for Christmas.
“Have you been good this year? Let’s see.” he asks. He pulls out his 6-foot Nice List.
According to the 2024 U.S. census, my son’s name is ranked 252 for males.
My daughter’s name is ranked 248 for females.
And, I’ll be, my kids are on the list. They’re “Nice.” All of their actions for the past year are justified.
“Let’s see if your parents are on the list,” “Santa” says. “What’s your dad’s name?”
They tell him. Santa points. My name and all of its derivatives are nowhere to be found.
My name is the 182nd most common male name in the United States.
